16 Years of Kindness

Paula R. Stern
A Soldier's Mother
16 March '11

The oldest orphan in the Fogel family, you have probably heard, is Tamar, the 12-year-old girl who found her parents, two brothers and sister murdered, and found two remaining brothers safe. The youngest of the orphans is only 2 years old.

Shiva is the period in which Jews sit and mourn for their immediate loved ones. It is a 7 day period, broken only by the Sabbath, a day on which we do not mourn. Throughout the period, friends and family come to comfort, to speak of the loved ones lost, to remember, to ease the immediate pain, if at all possible.

After the Shiva, the mourning continues, in degrees. First there is the Shloshim - the 30 days. The restrictions of the Shiva period are intense. You sit on low chairs, a sign of mourning. You wear a shirt torn in grief, and for the most part, you do not leave your house. The Shloshim represent an easing of many of the earlier restrictions, but still you grieve. You leave your home and return to work, but you do not attend parties and happy events, and there are other rules you follow as well.

After the Shloshim, for the first year, there are still other rules and laws. Less than the Shloshim, but still not normal. Still you do not attend parties, nor do you give or receive certain gifts. The grieving stays with you, forcing you to deal with your loss.

With each easing of the restrictions, in some way, the grief is eased as well and you learn you can live, laugh, survive. It is a most Divine, ordained method for human grieving - brilliant as only God can be. The restrictions become a burden towards the end of the period. You long to leave your home, you yearn to join with others. So, as the period comes to move to the next stage of mourning and recovery, the easing of the restrictions encourages healing.

(Read full "16 Years of Kindness")

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